Be Heard and Overcome Gender Inequality

Becoming a successful professional is no mean feat. And if you are a woman, then it is all the more commendable considering the hoops you might have jumped through to get there! Being a woman in the corporate workplace is like walking a fine line. You have to strike the right balance. Underplaying your strengths may project you as being a pushover, while playing a tough nut might earn you the tag of being too aggressive. Notwithstanding our legendary capabilities in managing multiple roles and balancing expectations from multiple stakeholders from home and at work, climbing the career ladder can be quite stressful. No matter how often companies shout from the rooftops about diversity and inclusion, the gender balance is still tipped in favour of male leaders. While there are companies that appoint women in executive positions, the candidates are not necessarily the best examples for the role, thereby further increasing skepticism in men about women leaders. As a result, the truly capable women find it very tough proving their mettle.To be successful leaders, women have to battle and overcome many situations and behaviors.

Ditch that Superwoman apron!

As Sheryl Sandberg says in her book Lean In, “A truly equal world would be one where women ran half our countries and companies and men ran half our homes.” We are a long way off, especially in India. One of my friends once made a very perceptive observation about Indian women in the past 30 years. She said, “You know, it has taken 30 years for the Indian woman to get out of the kitchen and take her place at the boardroom. But in these 30 years, very few Indian men have gotten into the kitchen. They are still stuck in their stereotypical past!” I know of women colleagues in top positions who have to get back home in the evening to serve dinner. A significant number of working women in India return home around the same time as their spouses, only to have their spouses relax before the TV after a “long exhausting day”, while the women get busy with the kids or household chores or dinner. I’m one of the few fortunate women whose husband contributes more than his fair share of house work and considers me his equal. Ironically, some women I know (and men), judge me for that. In India, and I’m sure in many parts of our world, women are brought up to believe that if they don’t cook or do household chores, they are inept. Furthermore if they let their husbands do any of the house work, they are regarded as completely weak and incompetent. Running and managing a home needs team work. It is important for us to get it clear in our heads that we need our spouse and family to pitch in. And if you hate cooking, delegate it to someone who can do it better! Of course you will be judged. Too bad for the one who judges. I have previously written about how women can let go of behaviours that weigh them down in this article that was published in AVTAR I-WIN’s newletter The Future of Work.

Beware of underhand chauvinism

The Indian corporate workplace has many skeptics when it comes to women employees. Which is why it isn’t surprising that women in male-dominated teams are at times treated depreciatingly like delicate china dolls. “You don’t need to attend the meeting.” (What new ideas are you going to contribute?) “Don’t you have to rush home?” (It’s easy for you. You don’t have to stay up late.) “Why do you need the job?” (You have your husband or father for that. Don’t you have to take care of your home?) “I’ll take care of the project” (Don’t bother your pretty head.) It might seem shocking, but this is completely true in many teams. One of my bosses (at a very top level) advised me to hire male candidates as I could count on them to work beyond office hours. He didn’t realize he was insulting me. During our very next quarterly conference he talks about gender diversity. The point I’m trying to make is, we don’t live in an ideal world and the earlier we realize it, the better. You have to make it clear that although you need to be home on time, you are capable, and want to take on high visibility projects. And if a confrontation doesn’t seem palatable to you, take the chauvinism with a pinch of salt, but sweetly and firmly let your male colleagues know that you are tougher than you seem!

Ask assertively!

In my article Are you Visible, I had talked about practical ways to assert our ambition. We women have an ESP radar where we tend to understand unspoken requirements and find it very difficult articulating our needs. Shyness or downplaying your abilities won’t do. We need to speak up and stick our necks out! Some men will refuse to see it as assertiveness and consider it arrogance. It’s their problem. Women, when they do get promoted, the ones with a voice are considered a threat and are usually relegated to positions of lesser power or influence. It requires immense amount of courage and self-assurance for women to ask for what they want and doggedly pursue their goals. Glenn Llopis in his article, puts it beautifully.

Listen to your intuition

Like I mentioned, women are very perceptive and excellent decision makers. Traditional Indian families are a great example. While the patriarch appears to be the head of the house, the matriarch is actually the neck who decides which way the head turns! The woman communicates her views using her intuition so skillfully that the man feels it was his decision! Likewise at the workplace, many of your views may be considered emotional and lacking logic. I’m ashamed to say that I used to feel embarrassed about voicing my thoughts in a male-dominated circle at the fear of being ridiculed. Our left brain might take the logical decision, but it is strongly guided by the intuitive and emotional right brain. So if you feel something isn’t quite right, or that you have a point of view that is different, be bold and express it. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed about your gift of intuition.

Seek a balance

Yin and Yang. Left brain and right brain. Male and female. True success requires a balanced view of things. In our objective to achieve gender equality, we must not seek opportunities because we are women. We must seek success because we are capable. Gender equality or ethnic diversity is not feminism. It is all about exercising untapped prowess and thinking of ideas that have never been thought of before, in order to come up with limitless possibilities. Fortunately, times are definitely changing for the better. I see the millennial generation of men and women regarding each other in more equal terms. To see a true balance of power, we have to understand the strengths that both male and female employees bring to the table. We need to discard our stereotypical mindsets to magnify our combined power. I would like to end with these wonderful lines by Alanis Morissette: I don’t want to be your other half I believe that one and one make two

The Road not Taken: Becoming a Full-time Mum Made Me a Better Leader

(Published on LinkedIn on Nov 21, 2014)

After 13 years of a glorious career in Mumbai, when I moved to Pune with our two daughters to join my husband, little did I know what life had in store for me. Back in Mumbai, like most Indian women, I used to live with my in-laws who took care of my children. When I arrived in Pune, I was very excited at the prospect of setting up a home of our own. I had it all neatly planned. Find a home on rent, set it up, enroll our older daughter in a school, find a daycare for the younger one, and find a job.

I was fortunate to be able to check off all of these items from my list, and within six months, I got hired by a growing company as a Vice President. I was over the moon to say the least! I hired a domestic assistant to help me with my household and kitchen chores, and I was all set. My new job was very exciting. The company was getting ready for an acquisition, and they had plenty of international projects and processes that needed streamlining, and new managers who needed mentoring and direction. It was a role right up my alley, and I had tons of ideas whirring inside my head. As the clients were scattered around the globe, managing my time schedules was challenging to say the least, but I was raring to go out there and make a mark.

Everything went smoothly for a while, and then things suddenly changed. My older daughter found her new school very intimidating. She was finding it very difficult adjusting to the new study pattern, her teachers, and her new friends. Moreover she missed coming home to her grandparents (which I didn’t realize). All this resulted in her dwindling test scores. One day as I was addressing a meeting with my team, I felt a weight pressing down on my shoulders. It was Guilt rearing its ugly head, but I ignored it.

After a few weeks, I found myself watching my domestic help cooking vegetables in more oil than that was necessary. Since she had to wrap up the kitchen work before I left for work, she used to work at top speed and in the process, ended up wasting resources. More flour, more detergent, more oil. I could see the wastage, and my shoulders sagged a little more.

Having two little children is not without its own challenges, is what I slowly realized. They fall sick (especially when you have an important meeting), they need help with their homework, they need help with their art projects, they need proper nutrition and care. Mostly, they need someone to just listen.

One evening after I completed three months, I lost my temper at my younger daughter. She was barely three, and wanted to play with me. Of late, I was finding it difficult dealing with her tantrums, without realizing that she needed me to spend time with her when I got home. But there I was on my laptop, drafting apology emails to clients and reviewing some reports, all so that I could be better prepared for my next day’s meeting. So while my daughter’s little hands tugged at me, I just absent-mindedly handed her a toy, asking her to play with it while “mamma completed her office work”. My shoulders were weighing a ton, and I also started suffering from stress headaches. The Guilt meter was way up there.

When I completed six months in the job, something happened that was the turning point in my life. My older daughter had got low scores yet again and I thought of staying up late helping her with her studies. I had to get into an “urgent client email” once again. My younger one called out to me asking if I could please give her a goodnight hug. I nodded at her promising I will soon enough. It took me a stressful two hours to finally shut down my laptop, and I saw both my girls fast asleep. As I saw their innocent peaceful faces, my Guilt meter tore into me. I was finally feeling guilty about ME. I was missing out not only on their childhood, but also on the gift of parenthood.

The very next day, I handed over my resignation.

For the next three years I was a full-time mother. These years have been the most precious and humbling years for me. I acquired a deep respect for my in-laws and women who chose their kids over their careers. I discovered a new passion – cooking. I put my corporate experience into practice at home by streamlining my kitchen operations! My headaches vanished, and I joined a gym where I was able to shed off those stress tires.

I have finally gotten back to a mainstream corporate career over the past eight years, and life couldn’t be better. Besides being a mentor to women, I am also a coach for women seeking to grow in leadership positions. Assertiveness, decision-making, delegation, empathy, being a role-model – all these are leadership skills that I learnt by staying at home.

Of course, there is always a pay-off. My career trajectory took a considerable dip. And of course, there IS a glass ceiling and there IS discrimination against women. More so against women who take a sabbatical for their families.

Do I regret that decision to choose my children over my career? The company from where I had resigned, eventually got acquired by a large multinational. Had I continued I would have probably been at an executive level by now. However would I have survived the enormous guilt of not following my heart? The first thing I did after quitting my job was to tutor my older daughter. That year, she stood in the toppers list of her class. I watched her with blurred eyes as she was being felicitated by her school. Yes, I am happy I chose to be a mother.

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” – Robert Brault

#RoadNotTaken #ProfessionalWomen #Leadership #Women #Homemaker #Motherhood #WhatInspiresMe #Careers

Let Go! Five ways to feel lighter and empowered

(This article was published on AVTAR I-WIN’s The Future of Work publication in September 2013)

As Indian women, most of us are brought up to become superwomen. Look at the matrimonial section of your local newspaper to get an idea: Wanted: A fair, tall, traditional, homely, highly qualified working girl who can cook. Okay. I have exaggerated a bit, but I’m sure you get the drift!

Over the past three decades, the Indian woman has been playing a dual role in carrying on with the traditional role of home-maker besides making significant progress in bringing the bread to the table. Of course taking on the additional responsibilities are not without their share of problems. Let’s face it. We are not superwomen. We are human beings with limited capacities that we need to translate to infinite possibilities. As women, we walk a thin rope where we balance several items to ensure we give our best to our family and career. In the process, we tend to carry several traits and attitudes that tend to bog us down, rather than propel us towards our goals. The only way we can hope to run freely forward and taste success is by lightening our load.

Here are some of the top five loads that we Indian women could let go to win that race without compromise.

Guilt

Nothing can crush our confidence as much as guilt. The guilt of not being able to take care of your children. The guilt of not being able to serve hot meals at home. The guilt of not being able to stay back in the office late to complete the assignment. The guilt of not being able to exercise. We need to pause and breathe and realize that guilt is just an empty feeling that carries the maximum weight. Do your children really need you 24/7? So long as your family gets healthy food, does it really matter who cooks it? As for work, do we really need to give 200% of ourselves to make up for not being able to stay in the office beyond 6 PM? It’s a known fact that women do get their work done without having to stretch by simply managing their time better. So how do we get rid of this colossal guilt? By being more realistic and objective about our expectations. By welcoming alternatives. Most of all, by telling yourself, “I’m doing the best I can!”

Resentment

Most of us are brought up to suppress our reactions, box in our feelings, and rein in our impulses. We are expected to fit into a stereotype of a woman who listens to everyone, gives in to everyone’s demands, and fulfils her personal needs last. We are expected to follow old-fashioned traditions without questioning. I know of highly qualified and successful women who cannot wear western clothes for fear of being criticized by their “elders”. On the other hand, our equally capable and qualified male counterparts are given more leeway and freedom. Over a period of time, this builds resentment and unvoiced frustration, leading to passive-aggressive behaviour. How could we let go of this resentment? Assertiveness is the key. Assertiveness helps us put forth our point of view objectively and confidently, without resorting to aggression. The ability to forgive and move on also helps in getting rid of resentment.

Martyrdom

There is no virtue in playing a self-sacrificing martyr. Leave that to the movie moms! We have too many things to take care of. Neglecting ourselves, our health, our appearance, benefits no one. While we love our family and our work, we have to learn to take care of ourselves first. I remember coming home from work feeling famished, and waiting for my family to get ready for dinner. By the time they all gathered, I was so angry and exhausted, I barely could smile, leave alone respond to their questions. I remember feeling undervalued and unappreciated. Over the years I have learnt to feed myself as soon as I get home. It feels so good! Do make time to go to the salon, take that 15 minute daily walk, read the newspaper. It won’t make you a bad mother or a selfish wife! On the contrary, your family will respect you. So let go of martyrdom!

Diffidence

Diffidence means to doubt oneself. We are worried about being criticized that we second-guess ourselves constantly. In fact women tend to be self-critical. Moreover, we tend to compare ourselves with other women and wonder whether we are doing the right thing. Remember, you are your own best judge. What works for you, may not work for someone else. If you make a mistake, you are only human. “Do I look fat?” “Did I sound okay in the presentation?” “What would he think?” “Should I ask for a promotion?” Celebrate being you. Self-confidence and self-acceptance is the best way to throw out diffidence.

Fear

Fear of change. Fear of losing control. Fear of criticism. Fear of failure. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of being imperfect. These fears are so drilled into us, that we often overlook opportunities to grow. We need to throw the “What would others think?” out of the window! We need to learn to anticipate and accept failure. Made an error in judgement? Learn from your mistake and move on! Fear is a debilitating burden that eats into our very core. Over a period, this makes us stressful and anxiety-ridden and prone to health problems. How can you overcome your fears? By expressing them and thinking objectively about ways to overcome them. Prayer, meditation, keeping a diary, talking to a friend, or getting coached are a few ways where you could bring your fears under control. It is okay to be afraid. Just don’t let it weigh you down.